The Fairest of the Seasons

It was overcast when I woke up this morning; in my apartment, with the shades drawn and the lights off, it looked almost dark. I might have overslept, had I had anything today to sleep through. I think it was just past 11:00 when I stumbled out of bed. Normally that would bother me, but I have just the one day off each week, and I was up late.

My sleep has been fitful this past week or more. I keep having dreams that are less dreams than old memories pasted together into a kind of subconscious collage. Events that took place years apart are combining into single moments. Friends are being mixed and matched; this person is actually that person, that person is three people. It’s as if my dreams are trying to reduce my entire past into one all-encompassing memory. I wonder what it’ll be.

It was grey outside, so I put on a jacket and walked around for a while. I like it when it’s grey out. I bought a hot chocolate from a coffee house, and smelled incense and candles in a store downtown. It was windy, which I notice more these days, with my hair grown out. The cold was the kind of cold that you only really feel in your cheeks. Just cold enough.

I go walking each fall, the first cold day, and each spring, the first warm one. In Missouri, summer and winter are brutal, sickening things, but spring and fall are beautiful. I go walking when the seasons change to remind me of how much I really do love it here. Columbia is a good place. It has its faults, but it is good place even still.

Sometimes when I walk, or when I go running, I find myself moving on autopilot. All the noise and clutter in my head quiets down, and it’s just me and my feet and the ground beneath them. This is how I meditate, by moving.

It was dark when I came home again. As I approached my building, I thought of maybe writing about it. About darkness and being afraid. It was my idea for an introduction to a piece I’ve wanted to do about spirituality, about faith and religion and being afraid of the dark. But that seems like such a big, imposing subject, and tonight I don’t feel up to it. Tonight I feel quiet, like I just came back from a long walk. I feel very quiet and very still. It’s peaceful. I needed the relaxation. I love days like this.

It’s cold outside. The seasons are changing like they always do. This is probably my last autumn here, but I’m ready for it.